Clamming up is normal. What is not normal is when we shut up in fear of losing something or someone. That gathers over time and finally, when the volcanic eruption occurs, we have lost ourselves the most. No doubt that eruption provides a significant release and even relief as we feel that we are back in our own space and empowered once again. But why let it get to that point of losing it all in the first place?
I battled with this for over a decade. Till my early 30’s I was very vocal. To a point where I was rude and didn’t much care for the way, my words and energy landed on others. You could call me arrogant and callous.
One of the first things I was hammered into looking at was my spoken word. I was shown the number of people I had hurt, pushed away, made to shut down around me and I realized that I had invalidated so many over the years.
But instead of that part having healed, it leads me to operate from guilt and I started to keep quiet. Preferring to say nothing least something nasty comes out. And that became the habit.
This habit then found reasons to stay. But that part inside had never healed, you see? In the past year, I met someone who is vocal. Just the way I was many moons ago and I began to reconnect to that part of me I had pushed into my shadow side. But this time I started seeing where I was stuck. Some interesting realizations hit home.
If we truly desire to have nurturing, loving, authentic and wholehearted relationships, there is no place for shutting up in fear. We lose us, we lose them, we blame and shame, feel guilt and anger and eventually creating the very scenario we were always trying to avoid.
Being disconnected and alone.
After all, who are we truly without our relationships?
Who thinks about how much money they made and their job, and private plane on their day of