I have been asked to write about this topic by several people lately. Having survived it a few times over and reinventing myself every one of those times, I have apparently laid the foundation for some sort of guideline/step wise process of resilience for many. So, at their behest, here we go.

The Big Breakup is more common now than coming together or unions of hearts or even marriages. It somewhere peaked and plateaued around 2012…remember? The supposed year of everything ending? Well I guess that was the beginning of the end of the world for many and more viral than anything I’ve seen.

There is a sense of coming apart of oneself when we know that The Big B is around the corner. For most it becomes a starting point or reason to come for therapy and they end up finding themselves over time. A tipping point for transformation.

But when you know it is happening, everything already begins to shift in you. You may still technically be umm…er… “together” for the rest of the world, but you have never been more further apart. Unacknowledged distance between two people may seem like ignorance is bliss. But when the sh*tstorm finally hits you, it feels like the ground underneath your feet is gone and you are falling into the abyss. A tad overdramatised? Perhaps yes, but anyone worth their weight in salt who has been through it, they will be nodding their heads in agreement right about here.

What do you do during a break up? What is the right move to make? What could constitute the wrong one? The “what if’s” are numerous, the buts are even greater and let’s not even get started on the why’s. Hope is the word that we stretch like Jane Fonda’s spandex leotards. We hang on to it inspite of knowing the reality that stares us in the face.

There is no right or wrong way to do this. There is a sane and insane way though. Sanity would be ensuring that whatever you choose should finally give you peace. And I don’t mean moksha or enlightenment.

I mean where you are left of “wanting” the least. There will be “give some and get some”. No one wins in a break up. Ever. You get left with morsels of yourself and perhaps the other. And one is always hit harder first and the other later. We all show it in different ways.

My recommendation is to remember some critical things that we tend to forget in these times:

1. You have loved this person and yes, you still do. Underneath all that pain, anger, shame, guilt, blame, regret, there is love. And that will become loving and caring long after you have split.
2. Keep asking yourself with every choice you make,  am I being loving towards me?  Am I being loving towards them?  (A kind and loving thing could be to split up too as being together may create less peace of mind for you both).
3. Acknowledge within you what has changed about what you think of them and feel for them.
4. Dive deep into the emotions that are driving you apart and find a way to release these. Either a cathartic venting (talk therapy), or a energetic releasing system (Emotional Freedom Technique, Bach Flower Remedy, etc), find a therapist to work with.
5. Be willing to be alone for a while. Avoid rebounds. That’s being cut in one relationship and bleeding all over the next person. Unfair to the next one and yourself. Dress your own wounds. It teaches you courage.
6. Centre yourself and ask what is this entire breakup asking you to be? What new version of you is emerging? And keep an eye on that and watch yourself shift and change. I can’t tell you how many opportunities you get here to fall in love with yourself.
7.  Do not rush into forgiveness please!! That is like putting cream on a pile of cow dung. You got to get rid of the crap first! Refer to point 4. for that. REAL Forgiveness comes only when you are truly empty within and hold no one responsible for anything.
8. Keep checking which level of consciousness you are operating from. Self-awareness is key here. And yes, this may require way, way, way more courage and vulnerability from you, but then that is what is being asked of you here.
9. He/she is to blame for what happened. (Our usual starting point and where many people remain for years)
10. I am to be blamed for what happened (A few work on themselves and get to this one)
11. We both are to be blamed for what happened (Insert forgiveness here and we settle with this one after years of reflection)
12. No one is to be blamed for what happened, it all just happened (True seekers get here and make peace)
13. Nothing has ever happened. Only a bunch of thoughts and some nameless events (Enlightenment!! Ping…just kidding…but not kidding)
14. Please do not, I repeat, DO NOT talk to too many people about this and get different opinions. Keep it to yourself, you will know only what is true for yourself. Not what is the right and wrong way. Everyone else is coming from what they would or would not do or their own history. This isn’t their life lesson. It’s yours.
15. It is the most amazing experience you will have. I know I sound nuts. But having been through some deep level work, some insane breakdowns and some heavy-duty break ups, I credit each one for having transformed me from deep within. I took leaps in my own growth and evolution every time. I have vowed though I don’t need to suffer anymore to evolve (finally some semblance of wisdom, right?).

Break ups are some one the hardest things to hit you that make you the softest person around. The process is the same as someone dying (the grieving process and it’s commonly known 5 stages). But oh there is SO MUCH to be grateful for. This soul who came to you, transformed you with their arrival and transformed you even more when they left. How much kindness and love is there in just that? And if you can begin to see that, truly “SEE” it, you won’t need anything else. Love lesson 101 is done. You are then swimming in gratitude and your soul is at peace.

Love,

Aditi Nirvaan